Everyone knows the golden rule.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Matthew 7:12)
I can’t remember where I heard the following but I feel it is actually a better version of the golden rule.
Do unto others how they would want to be done unto.
Did you notice the subtle difference. You might think they mean the same thing, but they are actually quite different. The first rule assumes that we all want to be treated the same way. This is obviously incorrect. The latter understands that people are different and to really treat someone well, we need to know something about them and actually care about them.
Wait, how does the golden rule have to do with getting people to do what I want?
I’m going to go a bit off on a tangent today as I think I’ve talked about finance a lot over the past few posts and although finance is a big part of this site, loving life is actually the bigger message of this site and ultimately its right to succeed.
I’m going to cover a few topics today and I personally feel, if everyone would think this way, we could all be a lot better off both individually, and globally. Let’s get started.
- Reframing the problem
- Finding win-win solutions
- Filling buckets
- Focusing on the goal and not the rules
Reframing the problem
This basically means not accepting the norm or at least asking the question why does X always equate to Y.
For example, economics 101 says that the more valuable something is, the more it should cost. Fairly simple concept. However, you only need to look this blog (yeah yeah, shameless plug) and most other great content online to see that people are providing very valuable information and doing it for free. I understand that there is a lot more going on under the surface but the point remains that a lot of what we think is correct, is merely just that way inside our minds.
Some other simple exercises in reframing problems.
More cars means more polution. With more electric vehicles we can actually have more cars on the road with less polution.
The more people that know about something the less valuable that knowledge becomes. Just look at the network effect of social media and you realise how the more people know and use a platform, the more powerful it becomes.
Small companies can’t fight big corporations. Reframed to small companies need to play on a different axis so they can can not only fight be defeat the big corporations. This is why we have disruptive technology everywhere.
What I’m really trying to get across is:
We can solve big problems.
Finding win-win solutions
This is where we get to getting people to do what you want. You need to first find out what they want and give that to them. I know what you are thinking, what??
Think about it for a second. If you look at the problems solved in the first section, you can see how in every case, the only sustainable solutions are the ones where the stakeholders all win.
Life is not a zero sum game where we need to have losers in order to have winners.
What I mean is that when you think about what you want to accomplish at work or play or in life, think about who else you can partner with that might have the same goals or even better yet complementary goals where you can create value for each other. (for my definition of value, please read the about page)
Simple example from one of my friends. He wanted to learn Chinese. He could have paid for language lessons or moved to China(I know a bit extreme) but he actually found a Chinese person trying to learn english so they met up twice a week and spoke Chinese on Tuesdays and English on Thursdays. They both learned the other language and it only cost them a cup of coffee twice a week.
If you are not trying to cure cancer or solve world hunger and you just want to negotiate better or sell more or do pretty much anything with someone else better, try just thinking about what the other party wants, and how you can give them that while actually getting what you want at the same time. If you get really good at this, you can actually make the other party think that you are doing them a favour.
The beauty about this, is that you can repeat this . It’s like that movie with the kid from The Sixth sense, you know “I see dead people”, Pay it Forward. The only difference is that instead of someone else getting the benefit, you do.
Please keep in mind, the above concept is simple, but finding these solutions is a lot harder then I’m making them out to be.
Filling Buckets
My wife bought our kids this book called Have you Filled a Bucket Today? And it really exemplifies win-win solutions. The story goes like this.
- We all carry around a bucket which show how happy we are
- You can’t fill your own bucket.
- By being nice to someone, you fill their bucket
- When you fill someone elses bucket, you fill your too.
- When you are mean you someone, you empty their bucket
- When you are a bucket dipper, you empty your bucket too.
I think this story because instead of looking at things from a causal, reactive way of if I am nice to people, people will he nice to me, or I’m going to be nice to you because one day you might be nice to me, the book basically says in order for me to become better, I need to make the people around me better. I think the latter is a much more powerful message although very subtly different from the former.
Focusing on the Goal and not the Rules
Once you get into a relationship whether business or personal there is a tendency to focus on the rules as oppose to the goal. I heard the following story about managing cows in a field.
One farmer asked another farmer how come his cows were so well behaved. The first farmer complained that his cows would wonder off everywhere and he tried everything from poking them to telling them about the dangerous animals in the woods to finally building a large fence around them so they would stay in one spot but they would always manage to wonder off and get lost.
When asked, the second farmer replied and said that he put a large well of water in the centre of the field. The cows always knew where home was because their water source was in the centre of the field.
You can interpret this story a few ways but the way I like to think of it is that if everyone is focused on rules and what not to do, you end up arguing about the interpretation of the rules. If you have a common goal, and the goal is something everyone involved really wants and needs, the rules don’t matter, everyone involved will work towards the common goal.
In Conclusion
The above is how I approach life now. I used to be more selfish and when I met my wife, I saw a better way. The world today makes me pretty sad. People are more selfish today than ever before, and the reason is quite simple, if you are not selfish, the next person will be and he will get ahead for it. It’s the classic prisoners dilemma.
In order for me to be the best I can be, I cannot do or alone and nor should I try. When we reframe situations and look at them though different lenses, we can find better solutions. When we try to solve problems using the approach, I truly believe we can make the world a better place.
Thank you for reading.
Henry Bill 
2 thoughts on “How to get people to do what you want and make the world a better place in the process”